Sometimes it feels difficult to say NO doesn’t it? Difficult to refuse an unreasonable request. You still do it? All those completely unreasonable demands on your time and energy. Yet still you say YES as a people pleaser and hate it! Learn to say no and feel OK about it with Hypnotherapy Newcastle.
Something that is common to many people who find it extremely difficult to say no is feeling that you should please people. A people pleaser; and of course wanting very much to be liked and appreciated. You don’t have to but if you want some insight and some effective ways to say no and feel OK about it keep reading this post from Newcastle Hypnotherapy.
The renowned psychologist Albert Ellis ( Rational Emotive Therapy – which went on to become CBT ) suggests there is a specific format of thinking that sets us up for emotional trouble. He calls this Must-erbating. Musterbating is characterised by thinking that includes but is not limited to:
- “I should do this”
- “I aught to do this”
- “I must do this”
Should’s, Aught’s and Must’s are one part of the problem of not being ‘able’ to say no. Now you might justify these statements, for instance:
“I should do this BECAUSE this is expected of me and my boss has asked my nicely.”
And this is fine unless … unless you are experiencing some resentment, frustration or anger about having to comply with some request when you really don’t want to. You may have one hundred other things to do, may not have the capacity or energy to comply. Yet you can’t say no. You must do it.
If this sounds like you, agreeing reluctantly do do something you really don’t have the time or energy to do then read on. There are some tools you can apply that may make your life happier and easier.
Before I show you some powerful ways to say no and feel OK about this, its worth a brief mention of some of the content from Gabor Mate’s book ‘When The Body Says No.’
This fantastic book describes some of the experiences of people who have taken on way to much, exceeded their capacity, bit back on frustrations and as they say have soldiered on. The result in many cases is serious physical ailments and long standing problems. The essence for me is huge psychological stress, literally by taking on too much and for their own reasons not saying no.
There is no doubt that prolonged frustrations, annoyances and what is effectively being bullied by ‘authority’ figures is bad for your health. Use the word bully and in today’s climate that may be enough to ward off a manipulator.
Now if you are considering coaching or hypnotherapy newcastle to help you change your old patterns of submission, our session together will be much more in depth than the exercises here that you can learn and apply in your own time. That focus is about helping change your perceptions and choices in line with your real values so you alter your conditioning.
Tools to Learn how to Say No and Feel OK
The simplest and most obvious ‘signal’ that you are being manipulated is your immediate feeling on being asked to do ‘something’ that you don’t want to do. This is what comes before any conscious realisation that you are being manipulated. Its a feeling that can be your first cue.
It’s an old saying that “if you want something done ask the busiest person to do it!” or failing that the second busiest person.
What tends to come after that first ‘signal’ are Ellis’ Should’s, Aught to’s and Must’s to self justify why you should do something you absolutely know you don’t want to do. This again could be other things are more important, you have to pick you kids up from school or you have already arranged to meet your friends for lunch or you have personal projects that require your attention.
Having recognised you are being asked to do something you don’t want to do and by now realising consciously that taking on this will violate your existing commitments and capacity, you are in a recognised place to kindly and fairly express your reasons for refusing at this present moment. And honoring your own values and commitments you can feel OK about this. You can actually feel good about expressing your truth in the moment too.
- Recognise the feeling you are being asked to do something you don’t want to do. Acknowledge this for yourself. Take a moment.
- Be attentive to any ‘I should’, ‘I aught to’ or ‘I must language’ that you have previously used to justify why you should take on a task that is not right for you at that moment.
- Take a breath and say something like “You are asking me to do X, at this time this is not possible for me. At the moment I have commitments to do ( what your commitments are ) and taking this on now will interfere with my ability to complete them. So, sorry I won’t be able to do X at this time.
What you may discover yourself is being honest and doing it in a nice way shows your strength and kindness; Qualities that most people like and admire.
When you are looking for coaching or Hypnotherapy Newcastle insights and experiences to help you change old and unhelpful patterns of behaviour, do get in touch. The Newcastle hypnotherapy consultation is free, all you need to do is complete and return the questionnaire and we can begin doing good work together.